2.4.

I was twenty-four free, unbound, on my own, and I wasn’t yet comfortable. I remember the smell of damp bars in basements with low ceilings and uneven floors reaking the aftermath of stale beer spillings. I liked these bars, to play pranks and people watch. I liked making people laugh because it made them feel more human and relatable, when most of the time I didn’t feel like I was the same or in level standing with people. If I made someone laugh then i’d take that as a sign that I wasn’t as alone. I remember the smell of cheap red wine and the potency of shooting tequila sober, I was never one for shots, except when I was tipsy, if I was tipsy then I was numb to the harsh taste. I remember being able to somehow drink a bottle and a half of red wine to myself, prepared to be unhinged, ready and game to explore the night. No sense of fear to the unknown, open, playful. On the outside I was fearless and energizing to be around, even when left alone I stood firmly and strong. On the inside and at the end of the night I was still empty. I felt I was missing something, a piece that didn’t click in. I felt like I was constantly in mid-air, ungrounded, waiting for a shoe to drop or for someone to tell me to land, somewhere. I was also hard on myself, constantly comparing my past, my progress, my achievements, and how I looked, yet I still stood in mid air… waiting. The more I floated, the more numb I felt, and the harder it was to take any risk or chance decisions. I was twenty-four and I felt like I was trailing behind like I was in school. In class i’d find myself pausing to look around at everyone seemingly having it all together and I wondered “what am I even doing here? I have no idea how to do this assignment.”In reality I was twenty-four just like every one else that was twenty-four.

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